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Thursday, February 5, 2015

My babies in heaven. (the post I didn't want to write)

This is a post I never thought I'd write. In fact, I hate that I'm writing this. It sucks, and it feels like no one understands. But it must be written because it's not doing me any good keeping it a secret. It's also not doing anyone else any good and so I must write, here goes.
(breathe Sarah, breathe)
We always said we wanted Selah to have a sibling close to her age so we've pretty much been talking about babies since the day she was born. When we'd have another though was debatable on both of our parts. In the end we decided in August, after she turned one, would be the perfect time for me to get pregnant.
Much to our amazement in September we saw the blessed two lines on the pregnancy test. I even tested 5 days early because I was so excited and the results showed up immediately. There was no doubt about it, I was pregnant. We were elated.
The bliss didn't last long, however because I started bleeding the next morning at 4am. I was so scared because nothing like this ever happened with my pregnancy with Selah. I called my doctor as soon as I could that morning and she wasn't concerned at all, she said as long as it didn't continue or get heavier I was okay. Whew. Relief flooded over me.
The relief was short lived though as I continued bleeding a few days later, it eventually got heavier to where I knew something just wasn't right. My hope started to dwindle. Finally the doctor wanted to see me for a blood test and ultrasound. The ultrasound reveled what we all had expected. Empty. I had already miscarried or so we thought. But as they continued to look over everything they saw something in my fallopian tube. Ectopic pregnancy. We were totally and completely distraught.
I had the option to either wait it out to see if my body would take over or reabsorb the "tissue" my doctor so flippantly called it, which is not recommended. My second choice was to get a shot to get the process going. As I sat crying in my doctors office, her words of comfort to me was that this wasn't really a baby, just tissue. It didn't even have a heart beat yet. Those words were like a knife in the gut. Because I knew those words. Those are the words people use to justify an abortion. My world was spinning and there was nothing I could do to stop it. The only thing I could say is, "God help me!  I don't know what to do!" My husband and I cried and prayed. The one piece of comfort we had was the fact that we already believed our baby was in heaven. The Lord had given us that peace days before.
I got the shot that same day. I felt absolutely terrible, not just from the shot side effects but emotionally as well. The devil was lying to me hard core. I felt like the biggest hypocrite.
I wish this was the end of this post, I wish I could say that it's all daisies and roses, that my heart is healed and we are ready for another baby. But there's more to the story.
Three weeks later we were ready to try again and got the green light from my doctor. We were so excited and did not think it would be possible to try again so soon, but if the doctor said so it must be right! Right? Fast forward to October 21st, my 24th birthday. I took another test and there it was, two pink lines. If we were excited before I don't even know how to describe what we were after finding out again! Finally, the sting of the ectopic was gone. We had our miracle baby!
Four weeks later we went to our 8 week ultrasound. I couldn't wait to see this little bean but I had a nagging uneasiness that I couldn't seem to shake. I just attributed it to the circumstances of our last ultrasound. The tech put the cool jelly on my belly and started to look around. I immediately knew something wasn't right. I saw the uterus, I saw the sac, but where was my sweet baby? I knew by the look on the tech's face that this wasn't good. A blighted ovum they called it, such a cold name.
For anyone who doesn't know what a blighted ovum is I'll try to explain a little. It's basically when an egg gets fertilized and at some point in the very early development, it stops growing. The sac keeps growing despite a baby not being there. Imagine my disappointment in the coming weeks hearing people tell me that there was "no baby". I've always believed that life begins at conception, so yes there was, in fact a baby at some point.
This time we decided to wait out the process naturally. We were believing for a miracle. My body wasn't showing signs of miscarrying and so we thought maybe this baby was just hiding. I had heard stories about people being misdiagnosed with a blighted ovum only to find the baby weeks later so we were not going to give up so easily.  We fought, we cried, we prayed, "God save our baby!" In the following weeks we got two more ultrasounds, holding our breath before each one. Ready to see our baby. But the same thing greeted us both times, empty. There was no baby anymore.
Heartbroken is an understatement, confusion is an understatement, alone is an understatement. I felt like God had abandoned me.
At that point I had no other options but to take some pills to make me abort the tissue or have a D & C. I opted for the pills and it was the most terrible, excruciating pain. Worse then when I was labor with Selah. It was a long day of tears but finally when it was over I felt like maybe, just maybe I could move on.
The months following have been hard. Do I still wonder why? Yes, every day. But every day I'm a little bit more okay with not knowing. I may have to wait until I get to heaven to know, but until then my sweet babies are in the arms of Jesus and Louis and I are so excited to meet them one day. Eden and Jude. I pray often, "Jesus give our babies lots of kisses and hugs today, tell them that we love them and miss them so much."
I know that I know that I know that what the devil meant for evil, God is turning around for my good. I'm not sure what the good is. Maybe sharing my testimony is part of it so that I can help other mommies going through this. I don't know. But I pray the good would be revealed to me. In the mean time, I'm expecting more babies from The Lord. He promised it. And His promises are "yes" and "amen". I'm ready for my double portion. God is still good, and He's still on the throne.
Isaiah 61:7 New International Version (NIV)
"Instead of your shame
    you will receive a double portion,
and instead of disgrace
    you will rejoice in your inheritance.
And so you will inherit a double portion in your land,
    and everlasting joy will be yours."