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Thursday, February 5, 2015

My babies in heaven. (the post I didn't want to write)

This is a post I never thought I'd write. In fact, I hate that I'm writing this. It sucks, and it feels like no one understands. But it must be written because it's not doing me any good keeping it a secret. It's also not doing anyone else any good and so I must write, here goes.
(breathe Sarah, breathe)
We always said we wanted Selah to have a sibling close to her age so we've pretty much been talking about babies since the day she was born. When we'd have another though was debatable on both of our parts. In the end we decided in August, after she turned one, would be the perfect time for me to get pregnant.
Much to our amazement in September we saw the blessed two lines on the pregnancy test. I even tested 5 days early because I was so excited and the results showed up immediately. There was no doubt about it, I was pregnant. We were elated.
The bliss didn't last long, however because I started bleeding the next morning at 4am. I was so scared because nothing like this ever happened with my pregnancy with Selah. I called my doctor as soon as I could that morning and she wasn't concerned at all, she said as long as it didn't continue or get heavier I was okay. Whew. Relief flooded over me.
The relief was short lived though as I continued bleeding a few days later, it eventually got heavier to where I knew something just wasn't right. My hope started to dwindle. Finally the doctor wanted to see me for a blood test and ultrasound. The ultrasound reveled what we all had expected. Empty. I had already miscarried or so we thought. But as they continued to look over everything they saw something in my fallopian tube. Ectopic pregnancy. We were totally and completely distraught.
I had the option to either wait it out to see if my body would take over or reabsorb the "tissue" my doctor so flippantly called it, which is not recommended. My second choice was to get a shot to get the process going. As I sat crying in my doctors office, her words of comfort to me was that this wasn't really a baby, just tissue. It didn't even have a heart beat yet. Those words were like a knife in the gut. Because I knew those words. Those are the words people use to justify an abortion. My world was spinning and there was nothing I could do to stop it. The only thing I could say is, "God help me!  I don't know what to do!" My husband and I cried and prayed. The one piece of comfort we had was the fact that we already believed our baby was in heaven. The Lord had given us that peace days before.
I got the shot that same day. I felt absolutely terrible, not just from the shot side effects but emotionally as well. The devil was lying to me hard core. I felt like the biggest hypocrite.
I wish this was the end of this post, I wish I could say that it's all daisies and roses, that my heart is healed and we are ready for another baby. But there's more to the story.
Three weeks later we were ready to try again and got the green light from my doctor. We were so excited and did not think it would be possible to try again so soon, but if the doctor said so it must be right! Right? Fast forward to October 21st, my 24th birthday. I took another test and there it was, two pink lines. If we were excited before I don't even know how to describe what we were after finding out again! Finally, the sting of the ectopic was gone. We had our miracle baby!
Four weeks later we went to our 8 week ultrasound. I couldn't wait to see this little bean but I had a nagging uneasiness that I couldn't seem to shake. I just attributed it to the circumstances of our last ultrasound. The tech put the cool jelly on my belly and started to look around. I immediately knew something wasn't right. I saw the uterus, I saw the sac, but where was my sweet baby? I knew by the look on the tech's face that this wasn't good. A blighted ovum they called it, such a cold name.
For anyone who doesn't know what a blighted ovum is I'll try to explain a little. It's basically when an egg gets fertilized and at some point in the very early development, it stops growing. The sac keeps growing despite a baby not being there. Imagine my disappointment in the coming weeks hearing people tell me that there was "no baby". I've always believed that life begins at conception, so yes there was, in fact a baby at some point.
This time we decided to wait out the process naturally. We were believing for a miracle. My body wasn't showing signs of miscarrying and so we thought maybe this baby was just hiding. I had heard stories about people being misdiagnosed with a blighted ovum only to find the baby weeks later so we were not going to give up so easily.  We fought, we cried, we prayed, "God save our baby!" In the following weeks we got two more ultrasounds, holding our breath before each one. Ready to see our baby. But the same thing greeted us both times, empty. There was no baby anymore.
Heartbroken is an understatement, confusion is an understatement, alone is an understatement. I felt like God had abandoned me.
At that point I had no other options but to take some pills to make me abort the tissue or have a D & C. I opted for the pills and it was the most terrible, excruciating pain. Worse then when I was labor with Selah. It was a long day of tears but finally when it was over I felt like maybe, just maybe I could move on.
The months following have been hard. Do I still wonder why? Yes, every day. But every day I'm a little bit more okay with not knowing. I may have to wait until I get to heaven to know, but until then my sweet babies are in the arms of Jesus and Louis and I are so excited to meet them one day. Eden and Jude. I pray often, "Jesus give our babies lots of kisses and hugs today, tell them that we love them and miss them so much."
I know that I know that I know that what the devil meant for evil, God is turning around for my good. I'm not sure what the good is. Maybe sharing my testimony is part of it so that I can help other mommies going through this. I don't know. But I pray the good would be revealed to me. In the mean time, I'm expecting more babies from The Lord. He promised it. And His promises are "yes" and "amen". I'm ready for my double portion. God is still good, and He's still on the throne.
Isaiah 61:7 New International Version (NIV)
"Instead of your shame
    you will receive a double portion,
and instead of disgrace
    you will rejoice in your inheritance.
And so you will inherit a double portion in your land,
    and everlasting joy will be yours."


Tuesday, January 6, 2015

My word for 2015

After the Lord gave me this word it seemed so obvious. Like why didn't I think of this before? I suppose He gives us different goals in different seasons, and in this season transparency is so necessary. Even though I have no idea what my word was last year, I do know that something feels completely different about this year. So much has happened in 2014, so many things that I would care to forget. What the devil meant for evil, God is turning around for good. This I know with my whole heart.
I chose this word because I know this year the Lord is wanting me to share my testimony, my hurts, my triumphs, how far He has brought me, etc. It has always been very hard for me to bear my heart to others in fear that it won't be cared for. Past hurts have stopped me from being able to trust, but I'm not letting them stop me any more.
I refuse to care or be in fear about what others think of me.
This year I want to connect with others. To share, to love, to encourage, to make life long friendships.
I've spent too much time since becoming a mom feeling sorry for myself because I didn't have the friendships I wanted. I was just talking to my husband the other day about why it's so hard for me to make friends in real life but it's so easy to make friends in the blogging world. It's so easy for me to text and share my heart with these women I've never even met, yet so difficult to make a playdate with someone from church. I've been letting fear hold me back for so long. 
I have met these amazing, wonderful, Godly friends through the blogging world. One of my best friends, in fact. I thank God so often for the friendships blogging has brought me. But it's time for something new this year. I'm stepping into the real world. This year I'm not letting myself hide behind a phone or computer screen where I can't be hurt. I'm putting myself out there, and I'm not turning back.

Monday, September 29, 2014

Even if they laugh

I've contemplating deleting this blog for some time now, but for some reason can't bring myself too. Something about writing out my thoughts and feelings is so freeing to me-but only if my immediate family and friends can't read it apparently. You see, certain people found out I had a blog and were reading. Since then I haven't written because I was suddenly self conscious of the things I was writing-which makes blogging not very fun. Writing has always been a release for me, I haven't always been the best with sharing what's going on inside my head and with blogging I was finally able to do those things.
I trusted the blogging friends I had made and was okay with them seeing the vulnerable me. But for some reason I'm still not okay with letting others in. Maybe that's okay. I'd like to share posts I write on Facebook someday, but for now they're still just mine. Someday I'll share them with the rest of the world, even if they point and laugh.
I'm praying about starting a whole new blog to avoid this problem so we shall see what happens! :)
And of course a picture of my sweet 14 month old to complete the post!

Tuesday, August 5, 2014

Selah(12 months) and other random happenings

I promise my last post wasn't a lie. Seriously. Don't look at me like that! Okay, okay. I guess I didn't get my blogging mojo back completely but I'll take what I can get at this point. ;)

July was a crazy busy month for us with Selah's birthday party and then camping at the end of the month, I feel like I blinked and now it's august! When did that happen?

I just had oral surgery on Friday to get my wisdom teeth removed so I've been housebound since then and let me tell you I can't wait to get out of the house! I'm trying not to let the mommy guilt get to me and I know that soon enough I will be back to my old self and Selah and I can get out of the house again.

What was I writing about again? Oh yes! Selah's 12 month update! Ahhh!

The biggest happening since the last update was miss Selah's first haircut! I had gone back and forth about it for months but it was time! I'm so glad we did it, too! No more mullet. lol

Little miss has gotten a few more teeth since her 10 month update! She now has 2 on top and three on bottom! I can see that two more are about to poke through on top though!

 Weight: 18lbs 11oz
 Nicknames: Little Missy, Missy, Sweet Pea, baby cakes

 Eating: I officially weaned Selah from breastfeeding on Friday. Sigh. :( I had no idea I would be so emotional about this but to me it just means that she is no longer a baby and that makes me so sad!
She hasn't seemed to notice though so I suppose that is a good thing. I'm sure it would be a lot harder for me if she asked for it.

 Sleeping: Sleeping like a champ. Usually from around 8pm-6am once she wakes up we feed her a bottle and she goes back to sleep until 8:30ish

Diapers: Size 3

Clothing: 12 months, some 18 month t shirts as well.

Social: Selah is still so very chatty and gets so excited when she sees someone she recognizes. She has also been talking so much it's the cutest thing. Currently she says: Mama, Dada, Dog, Ball, Baba(bottle), Hi, Bye, More, Minnie Mouse, I'm pretty sure there are a few more I can't think of at the moment.

Selah is also into kissing anything and everything! She gives us multiple kisses a day all on her own and we just love it! Talk about heart melting! Come on!

  Likes: Pulling herself up on everything and walking along the furniture, everything Minnie Mouse!

Dislikes: When mama and dada don't share their food

Looking forward to: Her finally walking!

Monday, June 9, 2014

It feels good to be back!

So guys,

I think I got my mojo back. I want to blog again! WHAT, WHAT?!? Yep you heard that right! There has just been so much happening over here that I just feel the need to write and what better place to do it than right here. It feels good to be back, let me tell ya. :)

It really sucks sometimes that I tend to over think things. That has been one of the major reasons why I haven't written in so long. As soon as I sit down to write I just feel like what I write is going to sound dumb or something. I know, I know that makes no sense. Which is exactly why I'm not going to let that stupid devil win. I am going to write and write well.

I am a vessel of The Lord and He is going to do great and mighty things through this blog. Get ready!

So yeah first things first. I CUT MY HAIR YA'LL! To be honest I didn't know what to think of it at first because I missed my long hair. But now that it's been a few weeks it has really grown on me! I think I might even love it! ;)

Welp, ta ta for now! I will write again soon, pinky promise! ;)

Sunday, June 8, 2014

A Father's love.

When I picture a good daddy I think of a safe haven, I see a little girl comforted in her daddy's strong arms. That wasn't my daddy though.
He was my best friend...when he was around. But once he disappeared the first time, and again, and again, and again my faith started dwindling. The sad part is I didn't even know it was happening.
Without realizing it I had intertwined so much of The Father's love for me and compared it with my own father's love. But it couldn't measure up. It never would.
Even if my daddy would have been an amazing father to me it wouldn't have compared, and that's still so hard for me to wrap my mind around. Because unlike my earthly dad, my heavenly daddy never left me, no never. I knew these things in my mind, and could quote scripture like nobody's business but somehow I couldn't believe that God could really love ME. Unlovable-that ugly word that the devil had tried to pin on me for as long as I can remember.
But then, The Lord gave us a special gift. Our Selah. He gave me the gift of seeing my husband as a daddy. An amazing daddy who would do anything for his little girl. Who never wants to see her upset or hurt or lacking any good thing. This is the picture of redemption, this is the picture of grace.
I'm finally getting another chance to see a glimpse of God's love for me, but this time it's through the eyes of my little girl.
Oh, how He loves us. He's still teaching me just how much.

Tuesday, June 3, 2014

Selah-10 months!

I think this is the latest monthly update I've done so far! 3 weeks late!!! My goodness, I need to get back on my game!

Miss Selah got another tooth so she officially had 2 when she turned 10 months! She has one more now! :)

 Weight: 16lbs

 Nicknames: Little Missy, Missy, Sweet Pea, baby cakes

  Eating: Selah is still breastfeeding every 3-4 hours during the day. She also has breakfast, lunch, and dinner as a mix of purees and "real" food. She especially loves chicken-she is such a daddy's girl!

Sleeping: Sleeping like a champ

Diapers: Size 2

Clothing: some 6-9 and 9-12 months. Can I just say I'm loving her summer wardrobe! I have been so excited for her to wear all of these cute outfits! I'm so glad its warm enough for that now!

Social: Selah is a very social girl and she loves being around family oh so much! She loves my mom so much and gets so excited whenever she sees her! Definitely a grandmas girl!

  Likes: army crawling everywhere and chasing our Miniature Pinscher, Reesee all around the house!

Dislikes: peas, green beans.

Looking forward to: Her first birthday!!!