Oh taste and see

that the Lord is good to me! You've turned my mourning into dancing, put off my rags and clothed me with gladness. I will sing and I will dance, I'll shout and not stay silent! <-------this is one of my all time favorite songs at we sing at Church! Everytime I hear it I can't help but have a big smile on my face because I'm thinking about all the Lord has done for me! It even brings me to tears sometimes because its like a slideshow of moments and memories flood into my mind.

But why is it that I can't constantly think about these things? Why when something bad happens the first thing that I do is think that somehow God doesn't care about me? Instead of leaning into Him and knowing that He will take care of me, I rebel. I hate that about myself.

^{Romans 7:15 "}For I do not understand my own actions [I am baffled, bewildered]. I do not practice or accomplish what I wish, but I do the very thing that I loathe [^[a]which my moral instinct condemns]."

I love this verse very much. It's comforting to know that even Paul felt this way from time to time.

My ever present question always is, "Why is it so hard for me to trust?"

I think it might have something to do with my earthly dad. It's not that I don't forgive him for what he did to our family, how he let us down because I really have. But I guess I'm just so afraid that I can't count on him and I want to so bad. More than anything.

I can't compare my Heavenly Father to my earthly father. My Heavenly father will never leave me, He will never forsake me. He wants the best for me. He knows the number of hairs on my head. Before I was formed in the womb HE KNEW ME. Before I was born He set me apart for his Holy purpose. That's so powerful. Especially now that I have this growing babe in my belly, this answer to prayers. The love I already have for it is huge but it isn't even comparable to the love God has for me. I pray that I could fathom even a little bit of that love.